Best Places to Pick Up Women in the USA

Pick Up Joints

From the mountains, to the prairies, to the females, far and wiiiiiiiide, God bless America… Okay, you get the picture.

We love us some USA because it truly is the land of opportunity. You may not be able to get a job or pay for health insurance, but you can always pick up a lady friend. We decided to help you focus your search down to the best places in the nation to pick up women, you know, just to give you a leg up. So to speak.

Gentlemen...your list of places to pick her up.

South Carolina: Downtown Greenville
We all know that a stiff, religious upbringing makes chicks want to do real bad things to you. And what better place to find such females as the buckle of The Bible Belt? You won’t find them cruising Wade Hampton Blvd or rockin’ the Haywood Mall.

The place you want to go is downtown G’Vegas and hit row-after-row of smokey bars. They’ll be the chicks pretending to have a bachelorette party just to get your attention. Fish in a barrel? That’s difficult compared to scoring with these honeys.

Tip: Avoid going too far North East. Spartanburg is the itchy butthole of The Bible Belt.

Texas: Austin
For your money, this is the only city worth visiting in Texas. Provided you want to pick up a chick or two. We included the whole city here because this city is a wealth of chick-picking-uppery (yet another term we have coined).

Austin has a primo downtown area and a little something for everyone: country-western bars (gag), dance clubs, sports bars, outdoorsy stuff, and pseudo-artsy places, if that’s your bag. The Austin 6th Street Bar is particularly ripe for the pickin’. http://www.austintexasbar.com/ The city also has plenty of live music in various spots, which acts as a magnet for chicks wanting to throw sexual caution to the wind. And that’s what we in the biz call ‘Paradise’.

Tip: Bring extra deodorant. It’s f’ing hot.

Colorado: Slopes of Aspen
There’s something magical about being locked into a small ski town for a week that makes women want to lock their winter-coat-covered arm through yours and stroll off into the two degree night. Maybe it’s the spiked hot chocolate or the fact that people's possible imperfections are hidden under ski masks and six layers of thermals. All we know is Aspen with its multiple slopes is a breeding ground (hehe) for snagging a chick. And we mean that in a totally non-creepy, legal way.

Tip: Avoid licking the flag poles.

Manhattan: Brother Jimmy’s BBQ
This place not only has a great atmosphere, great food, and lots of booze, but it is also a haven for many a female waiting to be hit on. There are several locations to choose from around Manhattan, but we suggest the location across from The Garden at 31st and 8th.

Here you get plenty of wild local chicks, but also get a high volume of out-of-towners looking to make some bad decisions while on vacay. And don’t shy away from picking up the employees either. The waitresses and bartenders are almost all females and are allowed to sip an adult beverage while working.

Tip: There may or may not be syphilis in the bathroom. Proceed with caution.

Florida: Panama City Beach
Sure, this one has specific dates attached to it, but it is well worth it. If picking up hot and intoxicated college chicks isn’t your thing, then you are a loser. But don’t worry, Spring Break has now become a holiday for other hotties that actually have a career and pretend to be responsible.

Luckily, they are hitting Panama City to throw some fuel on the dying embers of their youth. Hello, opportunity. When the sun disappears and the crowds move into the city, go to The Boatyard. This is a spot where you are guaranteed to pick up a vixen.

Tip: Don’t write your name on your chest with sunscreen. That’s just lame.

Utah: Sundance Film Festival
Again, you only have a short period of time out of the year to exploit this location, but you would be wise to do so. Thousands of fans, film types, and Hollywood clingers shack up for a little over a week every January to get wasted and hit on one another under the guise of the cinema.

And luckily, the festival covers four cities which expands your pick up horizons. Throw a rock and you’ll hit a party in progress. Throw another rock and you’ll hit a chick waiting for someone to sweep her off her feet for the better part of the week. You’ll just have to explain why you threw a rock at her.

Tip: Say you have a film in competition. They’ll never check on it later.

Seattle Coffee Houses
In many cities, picking up a chick in a coffee house is daunting because she is infinitely smarter and more educated than you. In Seattle, you get all kinds. Where else are they going to go when rain is being heaped on the city -- as it does over ¾ of the time?

Seattle is known for their coffee joints, but what many don’t know is that they are also havens for some of Seattle’s most smoking hotties. So throw on a raincoat and grab an umbrella and head to Seahawk country. Playa’.

Tip: Don’t open up with, “So, how about this rain, huh?”

California: Hearst Castle
Yeah, we know. You’re confused as to how a massive mansion/castle/structure could be a place to pick up chicks. One trip there will convince you forever. Hearst Castle just happens to be on the Central Coast of California in between San Francisco and Los Angeles, and pretty much entrenched in Wine Country. And millions of chicks take road trips into Wine Country every year.

What many a man does not know is that these women usually make a pit stop at Hearst Castle -- if for nothing else, but to make a bathroom pit stop. These same women are on a road trip to escape the mundaness of their big city lives. Go. Be their knight in shining armor. Or at least one in an Old Navy t-shirt and soccer sandals.

Tip: Visit the gift shop. It’s actually pretty bitchin’.
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Last-Ditch Ways to Save Your Relationship

Trying to Save the Love

When the going gets tough, get creative

Love is a battlefield, y’all. One minute you’re strolling through the park and talking about your dreams, and
the next you’re arguing about produce and fighting over methods of toothpaste conservation.

Finding yourself suddenly under siege in what used to be friendly territory is certainly disconcerting, but if you’re the kind of guy who traditionally surrenders at the first sign of strife – even against your better judgment – then you’re never going to be the kind of guy who enjoys the spoils of victory that await those who fight the good fight to the bitter end.

It’s not easy, but coming back from the brink of breakup is possible; all you need is some heavy artillery and a willingness to embarrass yourself in public if necessary.

If you’re a sad sack who’s lamenting the loss of the best thing that ever happened to him, then get up, dust yourself off, cry me a river, and get back on that horse, boy. It’s not over till it’s over, but it will absolutely be over if you don’t at least try one of the following:

The Grand Gesture
Anyone who’s ever seen a Hugh Grant movie knows that the Grand Gesture is the most cinematic way to get back in a lady’s good graces. Cads everywhere have been scoring for decades with the help of this deceptively difficult (but actually quite foolproof) technique, and you, lucky man, can join their proud ranks if you follow a few simple guidelines.

Most importantly, Grand Gestures are the stuff of grand drama, so if you have to ask if your plan qualifies as “grand,” then you’re probably not thinking big enough.

• Running through the airport to stop an airplane is a Grand Gesture.
• Traveling across the country (or across the world) to fight for your relationship is a Grand Gesture.
• Climbing a fire escape when you’re deathly afraid of heights is a Grand Gesture.
• Selling your Red Sox season tickets, which for years were your only source of happiness, to prove to the world and yourself that you’re ready to take the next step in your life is a Grand Gesture.

Conversely, sending flowers, leaving a few messages, and drinking away your sorrows do not qualify as Grand Gestures.

You can’t possibly expect a girl to take you back if you don’t give her a damn good reason to, and the best way to do that is to do something that involves long journeys, public embarrassment, personal sacrifice, dramatic declarations of affection, or, in the best-case scenario, some combination of all of the above.

Think epic, think theatrical, and think right now, because if you give yourself too much time to think about it, you’ll probably wimp out.

The 2 AM Show of Desperation
Tragically, most women are born with a ‘caring’ gene that prevents them from ignoring pathetic crying messes, especially during the wee hours of the morning. It’s not the most valiant way to go, but if you’re really desperate, then showing up at her doorstep at 2 AM weeping and wailing about how you’re nothing without her could get you a short stay of execution (if not a full-on reprieve).

I’ve known more than one girl to succumb to this technique. It comes off as sensitive and needy, which is something tons of girls secretly wish their men could be, probably because it takes the pressure off of them for always being the ones with the feelings… I don’t know, it’s all too Mars v. Venus for me.

What I do know, however, is that while this takes little to no planning, it does carry a fair amount of risk should you end up shunned and alone and crying on a doorstep in the middle of the night. Buuuuuuut, if you’re bound and determined to let this be your way back into love, then don’t let me stop you; knowing the universe, there will probably be another girl on another doorstep who will come to your rescue, and she might end up being hotter than your ex.

The Heartfelt Confession

The emphasis here is on “heartfelt,” because simply arguing with your girlfriend that she’d be stupid to break up with you will only get you as far as being dumped.

Confessions only work when they are honest (or honest-seeming, which we’ll address in a minute) and sincere, which means letting go of your need to win the argument and focusing on proving that you have the ability to admit when you’re wrong (or at least the confidence and smarminess to convince a girl that you believe you’re wrong when nothing could be further from the truth).

Sometimes this can be better accomplished in a letter than in person – for one thing, letters don’t have shifty eyes, and you do – which has the added benefit of potentially being ghostwritten by someone who knows how to put a sentence together.

It likely contradicts everything you’ve ever known, but admitting that you’re wrong (and that you have feelings) is a ridiculously easy way to get back together with someone, as long as you can make it believable.

The Cool-Off Period
It may seem like a line, but many women actually require “time apart” to get their thoughts in order before giving it another go with the men who have wronged them. If a girl says “I need to be alone for a while,” then one of three things is happening: (a), she’s backhandedly trying to get you to fight for her, (b), she’s trying to let you down easily, or (c), she’s legitimately confused and in need of some thinking space.

It can be difficult to discern which of these scenarios you’re currently starring in, but there are some tell-tale signs that can illuminate the situation: for example, if she cries or displays some other intense, frustrated-seeming emotion, then she’s probably testing you – she’ll say she wants space because she wants to see if you can man up and tell her to get it together because you’re not going anywhere. (I know, it’s silly. I’m sorry.)

If she says it off-handedly or has that “I just found a puppy on the side of the road” look in her eyes, then she’s probably just afraid to tell you straight up that she doesn’t want to be with you anymore and thinks that this will soften the blow (I know, it’s dumb, but we should all be sorry, because we all do it.)

If she really needs time, though, then she’ll say it sincerely and offer you a specific length of time to work with, at which point your best bet is to give her what she’s asking for. If you don’t, then you’ll be entering stalker/crazed ex-boyfriend territory, from which no gesture – no matter how grand – can save you, but if you do, then the odds are in your favor, because 90% of these situations end in reconciliation. It’s a scientifically proven fact.

The 360-Degree Transformation
I (of course) saved the trickiest for last because I have a sneaking suspicion that this one is more the stuff of relationship lore than of actual reality. However. Every so often there is a case of a man being propelled into dramatic self-transformation after a devastating breakup with the love of his life.

As unbelievable as it may seem, it might even happen to you one day. The tricky part comes when you realize that this one, more than any of the others, has to actually be genuine, otherwise you enter the realm of pretending to be someone you’re not in order to be in a relationship that you’ll ultimately come to resent.

And that sucks. But if you feel like you’ve suddenly seen the light, woken from a deep sleep or experienced some other dramatic moment of enlightenment, then you owe it to yourself and your relationship to fight for the girl who gave you a new lease on life.

Often times simply showing up as the new-and-improved you is enough; she probably broke up with you (or came close to doing so) because she didn’t think you’d ever become the guy you unexpectedly became. Thus, your very presence is all the awesomeness she’ll need to be proven wrong.

Sometimes you have to work your way back in gradually, though, and while this can feel tedious, it’s actually like a non-annoying, real-life version of Groundhog Day in which you know what mistakes not to make and what kinds of things she likes in bed. In other words, you’ve got it made.

By: Jenny Foughner
http://www.mademan.com

Please visit here for more information about Relationships:  http://relationshipswith.com

6 Signs She Wants to be More Than Friends

Time to be pickin’ up what she’s layin’...

By: Jenny Foughner

All throughout history, humans have looked to the past to teach them about the future. The mistakes of our forefathers paved the way for our successes, just like our transgressions will hopefully make it less likely that
future generations will engage in questionable activities that have disastrous results.

For example, the fall of Rome taught us not to be cocky buttheads, the Great Depression taught us to keep our money in our mattresses, and that ship no one thought would ever sink taught us not to ride on boats unless we could afford first-class accommodations.

More powerful than all these, however, is the one cautionary tale that defines an entire generation: the saga of Dawson and Joey. I’ll save you the details (as if you don’t know them already), but basically, Joey (girl-next-door/secretly hot tomboy) and Dawson (brooding blonde manchild with all-consuming ambitions to become famous auteur) were bff’s until Joey started having these feelings, feelings that made her heart flutter and her knees weak and inspired her to wear makeup on a semi-regular basis.

Dawson, meanwhile, blissfully ignorant as he was, spent approximately 40 seasons not knowing that his best female friend was butt-loco in love with him, which in turn facilitated some very uncomfortable close-ups on Katie Holmes crying. That’s not the point, though.

The point, good sirs, is that Joey had to date Dawson’s OTHER best friend (holy love triangle! and not the good kind!) just to get Dumbass to notice that she was actually trying to date him. THEN, when Dawson FINALLY realized that he loved Joey, SHE WASN’T EVEN AVAILABLE TO HIM.

The fact that some of us still haven’t gotten over Dawson’s Creek notwithstanding, the moral of this tragic tale is that your best friend might be in love with you, but if you’re too focused on other stuff, then you might not realize it until your window of opportunity has closed.

This can have dire, dire consequences (not least of which is millions of broken prepubescent hearts), especially if you suddenly realize that you have similar feelings for her. If she’s doing some (or all) of the following, then you have an important decision to make, and fast. Don’t be Dawson, people. Don’t be Dawson.

She’s wearing more makeup and/or dressing better than she used to around you.

I find it rather humorous that male animals have all the fancy plumage and whatnot in the animal world, because in the human world it’s the females who prance around in their finest finery upon identifying a desirable mate.

Thusly, if your female friend has suddenly upped the wardrobe ante – that is, if she always looks like she has a hot date to get to or a cocktail party to attend – on nights she’s only hanging out with you, then it’s pretty safe to assume that she’s angling to reduce the distance between the two of you on the couch during your reality tv-a-thon. Think about it: if she didn’t want you to want her, then she wouldn’t get dressed up just to hang out at your apartment, she’d wear sweatpants and talk about farts with you. Ewwwww. But, yes.

She no longer talks about other guys in front of you.

A sudden drop-off in your bff’s tendency to over-share about her romantic exploits is a pretty tell-tale sign that this particular girl friend wants to be your legit girlfriend. Most girls crave a reliable male perspective on all of their emotional entanglements, so a girl who views you as nothing more than a trusted friend will be quick to ask your opinion about every guy she ever meets, even if it’s just a dude who glances at her on the street. If she unexpectedly stops doing this, then it’s probably because she can’t ask you about the guy she’s currently sweating. Because it’s you. Haha! See how that works?! Magic.

She (uncharacteristically) texts back right away.

Infuriatingly, most people don’t respond to texts right away. They could be busy, or in jail, or trying to fish their phones out of the toilet. It happens. So when a friend who happens to be a girl suddenly happens to start responding to your texts immediately – and when she attempts to keep the textversation going – then there’s a good chance she’s been thinking about you and waiting for you to initiate contact.

Texting alone isn’t a reliable indicator of interest (some people are just natural-born text fiends who really hate it that other people take their sweet-ass time to write a two-word response), but a sudden increase in her textability could mean a sudden increase in her desire to get naked with you. Proceed with caution, but proceed nonetheless.

She gets super sensitive about things that used to be No Big Deal.

For a woman, one of the worst things about discovering Feelings for a certain guy is the tendency to become hyper-aware of every little thing he does and what it might mean for The Potential Relationship. I capitalize to signify importance, men, so pay attention. It’s like there’s a magic freak-out switch that gets flipped in the girl brain when emotions become involved.

For example, your friend probably used to joke right along with you about her fugly man toes, but that was when you were Just a Friend. When you become a Crush and/or Potential Relationship Partner, she begins to worry that your innocent jokes about said fugly man toes mean you’ll never EVER be interested in dating her, and in fact think she’s a lot like Cameron Diaz’s character in Shrek. She might even go home and cry about it to her roommate.

Her friends give you knowing looks.

This is like a subtler form of lionesses hunting, in which the prey, once identified, must be scrutinized by the entire pack to determine whether or not it is suitable for consumption (and weak enough to be slaughtered).

That is to say, once a girl tells her girlfriends that she’s into a guy, they can’t help but stare knowingly at that guy (especially if they know him) both to size him up and, I think, to clue the poor bastard into what’s actually going on. I think it arises from the female desire to see happy couples have happy endings all the time, which brings me right back to where I started, stuck in a pit of despair because Dawson never got his crap together.

She’s always making excuses to hang out with you alone.

Girls aren’t so different from you (aside from the extra anatomical features and slightly better smell). We don’t love hanging out in groups any less than you do, and we don’t want to waste time on people we don’t care about any more than you do.

Just like you (probably) wouldn’t make a move on a girl until you got her alone, a girl who’s into you (especially one who knows you well) won’t even try to act on her feelings until she’s alone with you (and even then she’ll probably be wishing you’d just make the first move anyway).

If the same female friend who’s exhibiting most or all of the above behaviors repeatedly looks for ways to hang out with you alone (as in, you suggest meeting up with other friends at a bar, while she offers to come to your place with a bottle of Jack and your fave stupid movie), then it’s time to make a move.

Either that, or risk watching her drunkenly and awkwardly throw herself at you, or worse, miss a golden opportunity to get it on with your hot female friend. I shouldn’t have to say it, but neither of these are desirable options.
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Please visit here for more information about Relationships:  http://relationshipswith.com

BBQ RULES

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:

(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great.

He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.

Important again:

(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...

(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman, how she enjoyed her night off and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Things To Never, Ever Say To Your Girl - Part 3

Sometimes honesty isn't the best policy

… that you never want to get married.
Marriage is for pussies.

You’re a renegade, you have it made, blah blah blah blah.

Ain’t no woman gonna tie you down.

And so on.

You may have convinced yourself that you’re never going to succumb to the bondage of holy matrimony, but about 95% of guys who say they’ll never settle down will one day wake up to the tune of wedding bells and an unsettling feeling that nothing’s ever going to be the same.

In the same way your indignant toddler self swore you’d never EVER like a girl, your post-adolescent self swears you’ll never EVER marry a girl, but your advanced-age self will probably laugh at those two buffoons as he happily trots off into the sunset with his wife of many decades.

Telling your girlfriend that you plan to be single forever, then, is like shooting future you in the foot, because when you finally realize that one really is the loneliest number, it’s going to be difficult to rescind your previous declarations of eternal bachelorhood than if you’d just kept your silly mouth shut in the first place.

Also, since women are (often, but not always) more ready to tie the knot than their deadbeat boyfriends, your girlfriend has probably already thought about the long-term potential of your relationship even if she hasn’t discussed it with you.

If you haul off and vow never to let yourself get roped into a hitchin’, then you’ll likely be met with a strong emotional reaction that will end in a fight and a lot of hurt feelings. Of course, you won’t mean to upset her, but you will, so even if you’re reading this and disagreeing with me vehemently, you’ll avoid an unfortunate disagreement if you just take my word for it and keep your Clooney-esque plans quiet for the time being.

… that she’s better (or worse) than your ex.
File this under “things you wrongly think are right to say”.

It’s good that you consider your current girlfriend infinitely more awesome than your ex; after all, she’s your ex for a reason. And while it makes sense that you’d want to illustrate for New Girlfriend her innate awesomeness by shit-talking Old Girlfriend, Weird but True Relationship Rules, dictate that this is hopelessly faulty logic and your attempts at flattery will crash and burn in the most fantastic way possible.

First, the mere mention of your ex, no matter what the context, could inspire your GF to obsess over why you’re even thinking about your ex and what it means for The Relationship. Second, no one wants to be reminded that the current object of her affection was once the love property of some other flooz, and invoking the “oh, __ would never have done that” line will only remind her that she’s enjoying someone else’s returned merchandise, which will then cast a dark cloud over happy couple island.

Boo.

Thusly, if you want to give your girlfriend a compliment and avoid being a douchestar, frame it as something that’s unique to her. Instead of, “wow, ex hated action movies, it really used to bug me,” why not try, “it’s so cool that you enjoy action movies, because they’re my favorite genre of film”.

Or you could try something less stilted, but whatever, you get my point.

… that ‘that’s what she said.’
OMG JUST KIDDING. That one’s a definite ‘do.’ It never gets old. Ever.


By: Jenny Foughner:
http://www.mademan.com

Please visit here for more information about Relationships:  http://relationshipswith.com

Things To Never, Ever Say To Your Girl - Part 2

Sometimes honesty isn't the best policy

… that her butt looks like an old lady’s.
Unfortunately for you, women can’t wear thongs every day.
Some days are just not thong days. Some days are gross-feeling, sweatpants-wearing, grandma-panty-sporting celebrations of dowdiness, and as a good boyfriend, it is your sworn duty to respect the pantaloons
and pretend they turn you on as much as that stringy number she whips out every other Thursday.

Even if you’ve discovered a hilarious new way (Ed. note - here's another) to say old-lady-butt, likening your girlfriend’s choice of ass coverings to that of an incontinent elder will more often than not get you a VIP reservation at the couch motel.

Even if she freely admits that her undies are unattractive, you are not allowed to agree, just like how you’re not allowed to call someone else’s kid special even if the parents freely admit that he’s not the brightest tool in the shed.

... that she reminds you of your mom.
Does this one merit an explanation?
You may think you’re paying a high compliment – or you may not even realize that pointing out something as seemingly innocuous as similarities between two women you love could have such dire consequences – but I assure you, this one will get you nowhere fast.

One, you will almost certainly begin to see your mom in places you absolutely do not want her intruding, which will wreak havoc on your sex life. Two, you will either insult the girlfriend who can’t stand your mother, or you’ll strike fear into the heart of the girlfriend who worries she’ll never completely usurp mumsie for your affections. Either way, the big L will be yours.

… that her best friend is smokin’ hot.
It’s true: your girlfriend’s BFF is hot, and your girlfriend knows it (believe me, she can’t help but know it). Much like the aforementioned underwear situation, however, you’re not really allowed to acknowledge this truth in girlfriend’s presence.

There’s no need to lie, per se – women will call you out on that faster than hysteria spreads during a Gmail malfunction – but there’s also no need to give voice to something that’s guaranteed to give your girlfriend a mini insecurity complex.

At times even the most self-assured girls worry that their boyfriends would rather be dating someone else; you just don’t know about it because your girlfriend is (hopefully) together enough to keep these demons to herself, opting instead to journal furiously or drink a few extra glasses of wine at dinner.

Even if you think your GF is so much cooler than the average chica, don’t chance fanning the girl-insecurity flames by mentioning how good-looking her hottie best friend is unless you never want to stop hearing about how you’d “probably just rather be dating ______ anyway”.

… that you once experimented with a guy.
This one is tricky, because yes, you want to be with someone whom you can trust with your deepest, darkest, gayest secrets, but you also need to realize that some things are better left in your past as long as they’re inconsequential to the present.

All young adults go through a momentary (or slightly-longer-than-momentary) questioning of their sexual orientation. Who can blame them? Feelings are confusing. That in and of itself isn’t news. What might make your girlfriend a little nervous, however, is your admission of those few drunken nights you had with your frat brother back in ’98, especially if she happens to know the dude.

It happened; move on. Spilling it to her just because you think you “should” will only make her question all of your actions from the point of confession forward, and no girl wants to wonder if her man will leave her in 15 years for a guy half her age.

However: if you’re still confused, or it’s really weighing on you emotionally, then before you go crying to your GF, have a sit-down with yourself to decide if you’re really in the head space to be in a relationship at all. Take it from mama: it’s always better to deal with your dilemmas in the present than ignore them long enough for them to bite you in the ass in the future.

By: Jenny Foughner:
http://www.mademan.com

Please visit here for more information about Relationships:  http://relationshipswith.com

Confession of Gum Swallower

This is the confession of a gum-swallower.

I admit it. For as long as I can remember, I have always swallowed my bubble gum instead of throwing it
out. This used to be a major subject of contention with my mother when I was a child, as she was convinced that the practice would lead to my untimely demise.

The gum mass was indigestible according to her, you see, and as such could not pass properly through the gastrointestinal tract. I was at great risk of numerous medical conditions because of this questionable assertion, including "twisted intestines," "stomach pileup," and choking to death on my own vomit after the bubble gum body inevitably attempts to escape through my esophagus, closing the pipes indefinitely on the way out.

Naturally, I never believed a single word the old lady said. I've been a gum-swallower my entire life, right up until my mid-20s. It was only then that I experienced a veritable epiphany of how wise my mother may actually have been.

Several weeks ago, I purchased a fairly large quantity of Dubble Bubble for my daughter's gum ball machine. The amount of gum I acquired was directly proportional to my own developed taste for the product, since it resembled crack cocaine in addictiveness.

After originally buying the pre-filled gum ball machine, I'd proceeded to consume almost the entire contents in just a few short days, and thought I'd better stock-up on the stuff if I was to maintain a positive relationship with my young child.

Unfortunately, much like Al Pacino in "Scarface," when confronted with such a sizable amount of pseudo-cocaine, I attacked it with relish. I practically lived off bubble gum for several days. I couldn't get enough. I ate six, seven, sometimes eight small globes at a time in an attempt to find the perfect mix of synthetic flavors.

I studied the texture of chewed gum by placing the most perfect tooth and finger print impressions ever taken outside of a crime lab. I watched with fascination as I created drab shades of gray from the most myriad selection of brightly colored items. I was almost a scientist of bubblegum by the end of those few days, you see. And each experiment became yet another lump lying heavy on my stomach.

Alas, I was destined for trouble. After consuming such a vast quantity of bubble gum, certain bodily processes started to become strange. My bowel movements rotated from frequent to nearly constipated for several days. For the life of me, I couldn't predict at what point the need to crap would attack. When I did plop down to plop, both the defecation process and the subsequent wiping would seem almost...Sticky.

This went on for another day or two. It was only then that an event occurred that would change my philosophy on gum swallowing forever. Perhaps the bolus of evil had lodged itself in my colon somewhere just as my mother claimed it would, or perhaps the passing of such hideousness naturally requires an extended length of time; I fear I will never know the answer. All I know is that during an otherwise perfectly normal evening of watching television and reading a book, the cramps began.

I'm reasonably confident that I know what childbirth feels like now. It felt as though my colon was uncoiling and recoiling itself within my abdomen. I rushed to the bathroom and sat down, expecting a torrent of acidic pain. Ah, if only I'd been so lucky!

When the defecation came, it felt as though it came out sideways. My sphincter cried out in agony, the toilet sang in joy at the miracle it was about to receive. When I regained consciousness and brought myself to the point of wiping, I discovered the true horror of the evening.

Before continuing, I consider it necessary to make one qualification. I possess a rather... How you say, furry posterior. I freely admit this. I am a man of gum swallowing and a hairy ass. A hairy ass that was now virtually plastered with partially digested bubble gum.

If you've ever tried to get gum out of the hair on your head, you'll understand the conundrum that I was in. Once bubble gum has attached itself to the hair follicle, the two are inseparable. Inseparable like night and day. Inseparable like my ass CHEEKS now were, welded together with a mass of rapidly hardening cement.

After realizing what had happened, I understandably wished to keep the gravity of the situation private. One does not glue his ass cheeks together with fecal bubble gum and spread the proverbial word, you see. And so, I sat and thought. Thought HARD. What do you do? How am I going to get myself out of this one?

Okay, let's think about this. We have an uneven mass of bubble gum in the ass hair. It needs to come out, obviously. But how do you get gum out of hair? I recall someone telling me that peanut butter is the only recourse.

No, f**k that, I'm not making a goddamn sandwich in my ass. The thought of slathering brown sludge in with other brown sludge was not appealing. Well, option number one: rip it out. Old school, yo!!. So, using a small strip of toilet paper as a shield, I grabbed a lump of the offending plaster and yanked.

WELL HOLY BUGGERY DUCKNUTS, BATMAN!
That made my eyes water and my skull expand. Option number one is officially discarded, along with a healthy strip of my taint. Where do we go from here? Well, maybe option number one isn't *totally* flawed. I'll take a shower! That'll loosen it up, right?

WRONG.

The bubble gum has become ONE with my ass hair now. They are no longer separate entities by any stretch of the imagination. They are joined at the cellular level. Their electrons circle each other in a spinning mass of beauty and PAIN.

Now what? The taint is an area of the body far too sensitive to have hair ripped from it. You might as well expect me to rip off my arm to scratch an itch on my finger. It was around then that I came to the only logical conclusion. We have to *shave* it out, old bean. I'm sorry, dear sweet anus, but it's the onlyway. But what shall I shave it with, dear Liza, dear Liza?

I can't use the hand razor I shave my face with, certainly; would I be able to shear my whiskers every morning while knowing where it had been? That micro-globs of poo-gum were being ground into my cheeks and neck?

No, certainly not! I do, however, have a small beard trimmer that might do the job. It was only a few dollars at Wal-Mart, after all; I can burn it when I'm done. Alrighty then, pants off, left leg up on the sink, offending mass of bubble gum presented comfortably, mirror positioned on the floor to help me aim. Okay, razor on, let's do this thing!

DEAR SWEET ZOMBIE IT'S STUCK!

Well isn't this wonderful, the undeniable reflex to jump and run from pain has kicked in! I'm now hopping around the bathroom with this two inch electric razor jammed firmly into my ass, dangling around like some sort of freakish technological tail.

The forces of physics have turned on me now. Gravity pulls the razor down as the momentum of my pain dance spins and twists it ever further into the tenderness of my crack. Screams begin to emerge through my gritted teeth. I try desperately to avoid waking my child and/or alerting my delightfully unsuspicious wife. After all, what would I tell them?
"Are you okay, dear?"
"Daddy, what's wrong?"
"Oh, nothing much. I tried to shave the bubble gum out of my ass, and now I'm waving the razor around like a second penis. Don't mind me, go back to sleep!"

Okay, I've calmed myself down. I cradle the offending piece of plastic and agony in an attempt to reduce the pressure on my tormented rectum. Well now you're in a real pickle, eh? You thought it couldn't get any worse, didn't you?

It was around this point that I started to get my head on straight. One must keep in mind how difficult it is to employ high-level cognitive abilities when one is experiencing pain in his most sensitive of areas. Thankfully, my wits had returned.

The razor wasn't going to come out. I was faced with several options: A)Shave it out. B)Cut it out.
Solution A) wasn't viable since I'd already destroyed my only non-vital razor. The only problem with B) was that there were no scissors in the bathroom; in fact, the only scissors I could think of were down the hall, within the cutlery drawer of the kitchen. My wife was using the computer in the living room, and could very likely see the bathroom door...
Yet the pros greatly outweighed the cons.

So, hopping like a crippled dog, I held the electric beard trimmer firmly against my battered ass hair and fumbled my way down the hall, praying to any possible deities that my wife wouldn't take this occasion to come get a snack or a glass of water. There was no answer for the situation I was in.

The fates decided to smile upon me, I suppose. It seems perfectly reasonable that they would, of course, since they'd taken it upon themselves to so thoroughly destroy my sanity up until that point. I managed to duck-walk my way back to the bathroom, and with a carefulness that only a surgeon could appreciate, delicately extracted the clipper from myself.

Using the scissors, it didn't take all that long to snip away the majority of my post-gum. I shaved two long swaths into my ass, in fact, which resulted in the most agonizing discomfort over the next few days.

Imagine rubbing two sheets of coarse sandpaper together. Then imagine a thin coat of unabsorbed poop-sweat turning the whole thing into a circus of embarrassment and skid marks.

If there's a deep and philosophical message to be found in what I've written, it's lost on me. All I know is that under no circumstances should you ever... EVER...Swallow your bubble gum.

Things To Never, Ever Say To Your Girl - Part 1

Trust and Communication

Sometimes honesty isn't the best policy

Good relationships are built on trust and communication. This much we know. But great relationships are built on trust, communication and the understanding that sometimes boyfriends need to keep their big traps
shut.

This you might not know.

Although there are a whole bunch of things you can (and should!) share with your girlfriend – such as hopes and dreams, likes and dislikes, and favorite sexual positions – there are a few items you would do well to leave off of your “things to divulge” list.

In fact, simply resisting the urge to blurt out every single thing that pops into your head can add months to your relationship, and unless that sounds like a death sentence (in which case, go forth and use this guide as a how-to manual for getting her to dump you), you’d be wise to consider the following in order to stay out of the doghouse.

So please. Don’t ever tell her:

… that you’re drunkenly hanging out with cute girls.

Alcohol makes you do funny things like pee on buildings and profess love for people you barely know, but it can also act as a truth serum that moves you to reveal things you would probably otherwise keep to yourself.

Most of the time these are innocuous bits of hilarity (such as the truth about your secret Troll doll collection or a confession that you still have a certain embarrassing website registered in your name), but occasionally drunken admissions enter girlfriend-enraging territory.

Case in point: the 1 AM drunk dial.
You’re out livin’ it up like a gangster and she’s somewhere else, so you decide to call her, mumble incoherently and explain that you’re in a bar that’s exploding with cute girls.
FAIL.
You do not – do NOT – admit to your otherwise-engaged girlfriend that you are drunk and in the company of attractive females. Got it? Let’s practice. You drunkenly call your girl. She says, “so, what’re you up to?” You say:
A. “Just hanging out. Alone. I swear. This time I’m telling the truth.”
B. “Partying with this group of drunk-ass sorority girls. They’re hilarious.”
C. “Hanging out with the guys. You know, the usual. I can’t wait to see you.”

If you chose anything other than C, then you need to re-read everything I’ve ever written. Keep the scenic to yourself, hambro. Girlfriend doesn’t need to know.

… that you hooked up with one of your coworkers three months before you started dating her.

You hooked up with someone weeks and weeks ago? Congrats, player! Your gold medal is in the mail.

The only reasons to discuss past sexual misdeeds with your girlfriend is if they’re hilarious or if you’re hoping to be met with leniency after cheating on her (and the latter is actually only advisable if you hope she’ll eventually agree to marry you).

JSYK: hooking up with someone before you begin dating someone else is not considered cheating on any planet, and people who feel the need to preemptively confess every one of their sexual exploits are either
(a) over-dramatic and living in a constant state of strife or
(b) insecure and desperate to broadcast how sexually promiscuous they are. (Consequently, this is often the bailiwick of people who don’t get a lot of ass but want everyone to think that they do.)

If you’re feeling guilty about a hookup that occurred during your single days, then you should quietly try to figure out why you’re even still thinking about it. Are you interested in this hookup partner? Then give it a go with her or force yourself to get over it; don’t tell your girlfriend about it.

Are you worried that your girlfriend will find out about this hookup partner and freak out because you’re still friends? Then really don’t tell your girlfriend about it, because that’s the only way she’s going to find out about said hookup, at which point she will freak out because you’re still friends.

In conclusion – wait for it – just don’t tell your girlfriend.

By: Jenny Foughner:
http://www.mademan.com

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