Things To Never, Ever Say To Your Girl - Part 3

Sometimes honesty isn't the best policy

… that you never want to get married.
Marriage is for pussies.

You’re a renegade, you have it made, blah blah blah blah.

Ain’t no woman gonna tie you down.

And so on.

You may have convinced yourself that you’re never going to succumb to the bondage of holy matrimony, but about 95% of guys who say they’ll never settle down will one day wake up to the tune of wedding bells and an unsettling feeling that nothing’s ever going to be the same.

In the same way your indignant toddler self swore you’d never EVER like a girl, your post-adolescent self swears you’ll never EVER marry a girl, but your advanced-age self will probably laugh at those two buffoons as he happily trots off into the sunset with his wife of many decades.

Telling your girlfriend that you plan to be single forever, then, is like shooting future you in the foot, because when you finally realize that one really is the loneliest number, it’s going to be difficult to rescind your previous declarations of eternal bachelorhood than if you’d just kept your silly mouth shut in the first place.

Also, since women are (often, but not always) more ready to tie the knot than their deadbeat boyfriends, your girlfriend has probably already thought about the long-term potential of your relationship even if she hasn’t discussed it with you.

If you haul off and vow never to let yourself get roped into a hitchin’, then you’ll likely be met with a strong emotional reaction that will end in a fight and a lot of hurt feelings. Of course, you won’t mean to upset her, but you will, so even if you’re reading this and disagreeing with me vehemently, you’ll avoid an unfortunate disagreement if you just take my word for it and keep your Clooney-esque plans quiet for the time being.

… that she’s better (or worse) than your ex.
File this under “things you wrongly think are right to say”.

It’s good that you consider your current girlfriend infinitely more awesome than your ex; after all, she’s your ex for a reason. And while it makes sense that you’d want to illustrate for New Girlfriend her innate awesomeness by shit-talking Old Girlfriend, Weird but True Relationship Rules, dictate that this is hopelessly faulty logic and your attempts at flattery will crash and burn in the most fantastic way possible.

First, the mere mention of your ex, no matter what the context, could inspire your GF to obsess over why you’re even thinking about your ex and what it means for The Relationship. Second, no one wants to be reminded that the current object of her affection was once the love property of some other flooz, and invoking the “oh, __ would never have done that” line will only remind her that she’s enjoying someone else’s returned merchandise, which will then cast a dark cloud over happy couple island.

Boo.

Thusly, if you want to give your girlfriend a compliment and avoid being a douchestar, frame it as something that’s unique to her. Instead of, “wow, ex hated action movies, it really used to bug me,” why not try, “it’s so cool that you enjoy action movies, because they’re my favorite genre of film”.

Or you could try something less stilted, but whatever, you get my point.

… that ‘that’s what she said.’
OMG JUST KIDDING. That one’s a definite ‘do.’ It never gets old. Ever.


By: Jenny Foughner:
http://www.mademan.com

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